When I asked the nurses at the clinic what I had to do to rebuild my immune system, they laughed and said, "Work at a day care center!" I laughed and suddenly realized that I might be sick off and on with new germs that are out there, just so I could build my resistance. They also said, "Lots of Vitamin D."
I am taking my daily Vitamin D. Off and on, I get the bugs that are going around. Have had Covid twice or three times, a nasty bronchitis that lasted for months, and gastrointestinal things that are just yucky. But it is March now. I am five months away from 'the bell' and gradually my system is rebounding. Phew! Those nurses did tell me it could take a year or two.
Then there was the neuropathy I had in my fingers and toes. Lost many of my toenails and now they have almost replenished themselves. My finger nails still are strange, but the dark brown color is gone. There is pink under the nails. Ongoing problem is the fragility of my nails. They must be short at all times because they crack and shred and then catch on the fabrics I work with everyday in my quilting.
My core strength was shot because I sat so much last year. That meant I started walking bent over like a little old lady, my hamstrings tightened up, I was getting horrible cramps in my legs and feet and hands, and moving around literally took my breath away. I had all I could do to climb a flight of stairs.
What I have done is walk daily with my dog when the weather is good. I also work with a good chiropractor to get things lined up again, and now I am taking a weekly Pilates class. That class is amazing. I am standing up straighter, working on balance, and my hamstrings are lengthening so the cramps are disappearing. Also, the stretching exercises we do helps me address the scar tissue from my surgery. Hallelujah to that!!! Now I look forward to riding my bike again once the snow is gone. Woot!
(Insert note here. A teaspoon of mustard will relieve your cramps almost immediately. Also tart cherry juice works well, especially before bedtime. I do not know how I would have survived the pain of cramping without those helps.)
Stamina is an issue still. Some days, some weeks, I am almost back to my old normal. Problem is on my good days, I push to get lots of things done, or I teach too many classes and then I am drained for two or three days. It's like I pay a price for feeling good. When I am drained, I have days that feel like one of those better chemo days, or my stomach is off like with radiation. I need to rest more. I have to watch my balance. Often I do not drive on those days because my judgement is clouded. I become like a frog climbing a muddy spring hill. There is progress...then I slide backwards.
I am looking more and more normal. My hair is back albeit different hair so far than I had pre-cancer. It is baby fine and curly. Imagine me with wavy almost curly hair that does its own thing. Pretty funny. And my hair is about the color of my little yorkie terrier. There's red, white, brown, and grey all mixed together. I tell friends that I am trying to match my little dog. I am thankful for my hair everyday; so is my beautician. She has fun trying to make me look presentable.
A few weeks ago I had my first mammogram. Boy! Was I uptight about that. Yup. When the nurse came out and said the pictures were normal, I cried. I'll be honest, I never realized how wonderful it is to hear the word normal after a year or more with cancer. The nurse was so supportive. She hugged me and we cried together.
What is hardest is getting all the people around me to understand my healing struggle. Because I move better and look normal, laughing, teaching, exercising, cooking, cleaning, running errands and more, they believe I am functioning as I did before my diagnosis. Not. It is different.
My current reality is a lonely place to be in. Some people 'out there' think I am faking my tired, or my balance issues, or thinking cloudiness. They want me to be like them with lots of energy, vim, vigor, enthusiasm and conquer the world attitude. I can give all that but not consistently. I pay a price.
I know when I teach classes, I have to prepare, present, and then replace everything that I took to the class in its place back home. Never before did I realize how much stamina that takes. Doing two classes back to back is double the challenge. The fatigue that follows is overwhelming. But then I have dinner to cook and laundry to do or grocery shopping and more class samples to make or I pick up a bug.
In the end, I want you to know that I am succeeding in my efforts to find my old self. I think about what I was dealing with last year less and less. Going to follow up doctor appointments gives me less anxiety than it did at first. My faith is stronger than ever because I am grateful daily to be healing and moving forward. And I am empathizing with friends and acquaintances who are immersed in their own cancer situation.
Keep the faith, ladies. I understand what you are facing. To each of you, if you need to talk, I will listen. If you have questions, I am here. Reading my blog may give you tips on how to deal. One day you will ring the bell and celebrate. Then you will become your own ROCKY and begin the healing journey. It is exciting because daily duties are doable. Amazing to think we want to get back to cooking or doing the laundry. Take it from me: it feels great! One day, you too will understand and you will appreciate good health more than ever before.
