My Little Secret

Looking forward to something wonderful every single day is a must. Sounds like an Eileen rule, doesn't it? This was a mantra I grew up with. My grandparents used to emphasize the importance of living with things to anticipate; my parents were big into making sure that our family had things to look forward to as we moved through a year. In fact, as senior citizens they were always scheduling a date night out at the movies, dinner at a restaurant, or even a trip to see their daughters or Alaska or Las Vegas. My mom said travelling gave them hope.

For me, scheduling something to look forward to takes on a slightly different meaning. It's a favorite class that I am teaching at the end of a week. Maybe it's ice cream at the end of a long day, laying in the summer hammock to read a book, or sleeping in the recliner after a particularly hard morning. I figure ways to reward myself that makes any of my current struggles worthwhile. 

Many of my cancer friends keep their focus on events unique to their family. They want to be present at their granddaughter's graduation or their niece's wedding or the family reunion next fourth of July. They make that 'look forward to time' and literally live to enjoy their family moments together, then take on a whole new family focus.

One girl at the clinic, Christine, learned she had stage four breast cancer when her daughters were 13 months and four years old. She talks about living from one holiday and one birthday to the next, always wondering if she will make it. Still, she looks forward to their growing up, and with family support during all these years of chemotherapy, is doing well. Her daughters are now four and seven.

I have a bigger tendency to establish goals for myself that are grounded in my daily living. Perhaps it is a deadline for a quilt to be finished or a class to be planned. Sometimes it is how many steps I can take in a week as I walk the neighborhood, or a book I want to finish by the end of the weekend. They are goals that give me purpose and joy and they stretch me to learn, use my skills, and exercise. I feel really good from those accomplishments, and yes, they do give me hope.

Today is my Monday infusion. At least, I am praying it happens. My 'self' is feeling pretty good so I am assuming my white blood cells will be in tact enough to be accepted for treatment. What am I looking forward to afterwards? What is my reward? Do I have a goal? Yuppers!

I have a t-shirt quilt to bind so that I can notify a woman that it's ready for pickup. I also have a few Christmas projects to complete. They will keep me focused across the morning and when I return home, hopefully, I will be energized enough to enjoy my sewing room. 

The beauty of such goals is that they are my little secret. While I struggle with the day-to-day of my cancer, they let me go to a positive place that gives me light and keeps me whole. It is so like looking forward to the birth of Jesus. No matter my struggle, I can mentally and emotionally go to a positive place full of peace where a little child lies in a manager, giving light and hope to the people witnessing his existence. I need that hope these days...and so I trudge on, always looking forward to something wonderful.

Hopefully, the quilting cancer girl