Managing sadness and moving forward

Today is a discouraging day. I have been so 'up' and feeling as though there is an end in sight to this cancer journey. With the changes made to my drug recipe and the news of my clean MRI, I began to exhale and believed my 'normal' life might resume. Just let me be me...and with hair!

Yesterday I went to the clinic. I was psyched for my treatment and...my blood did not pass. There were not enough white blood cells. AGAIN! So home I came. Sigh. Returned to the clinic today for my treatment and once again, my blood did not pass. Double sigh. This time I cried all the way home.

The hardest part is knowing that I went all week and did not get a treatment. You see, each time they pass me on a treatment that puts the length of my chemotherapy up another week. Instead of finishing chemo mid March, now I am looking at the end of March. Give me a Kleenex please!

Am I feeling sorry for myself? Is this my pity party? Yup!!!! This is a struggle that all of us doing cancer treatments must manage. The reality is: we are not in control of anything.

Then I remember that whole thing about perspective and faith and strength. I can move forward and mark this in my journal as another learning experience in the cancer adventure. There are ups and downs...and I'm on a down that feels heavy.

Then I look at the positives. First, my treatments are now moved to the beginning of the week. I so prefer Mondays to Thursdays and am actually happy to be back to Mondays. That's something I celebrate! Woot! 

Second, I am having 'stand up' days where I can think and sew in my sewing room. Thank goodness for sewing and thinking! Today my Indiana sister and I have decided to sew on Zoom and that will get my head back in the game. She's one special motivator. 

And third, my geraniums are blooming!!!! That's a sign that spring is around the corner because they start blooming just as the energy for growth starts flowing once again. Soon we can pot new cuttings for plants in the summer. Hallelujah!

Strange as it may seem, I learn from my geraniums. They are another motivator, keeping me focused on growth and energy. In their own way, they message me to keep on keeping on...just as they do across the dormant months so as to grace us with their sturdy beauty come spring. 

I never thought a simple geranium would pull me out of the doldrums, and yet anything is possible in my life. I prefer growth and energy to sadness and pity parties. So onward, Eileen. Share an encouraging hug with God, and then let's get sewing! 

Hoping to sew some beauties today, this is me signing off: The quilting cancer girl