You are braver than you think

It is really worrying me that I missed my chemotherapy treatment last week. I drove to the clinic on Thursday for what is becoming my regular white blood cell shot. Treatment was supposed to be Friday and they postponed it to Monday. So no chemo...and I had a good week filled with energy and little napping. The timing was good because my sister and her husband were visiting. 

Today is Monday. My very loving husband drove me to the clinic...and I still did not pass my blood test, even after having last week's shot. Once again, my white blood cells are low and my white platelets are low. Darn. Darn. Darn. Tomorrow I return again at 8 a.m. to see if I qualify for my chemo treatment.

My sister is my biggest cheerleader. She reassures me that having low white cells means the drug is working. I guess that's true. She also inspires me to believe that I am rebuilding my strength so future treatments are more doable. Sigh. 

If confessions are good for the soul, I just want all of this done and behind me. Do I sound impatient or unrealistic? My guess is that I feel the way many of us feel during cancer, or any situation that seems to last longer than we want. I recall a similar feeling when I had the flu or wanted to be done studying for exams or was tired of dealing with the 'wall of snow'! Just let me get back to normal!

Over and over again, I realize I am not in control. That is the reality. I have these moments where I remind myself that everything is in God's hands, not mine. I chose way back in September to trust God and believe he would guide me along this cancer highway. Fact is: sometimes there is virtual construction along the way that slows traffic to a standstill and it takes forever to get moving again. 

So I shake myself, remembering to be brave and pray for patience and strength, understanding and peace, that these days of energy give me time to do the laundry, put Christmas away, and pay the bills. I can plan for upcoming classes, write patterns that are needed, and sew in my sewing room. 

Grateful am I that I am not 'flat out', that for a few moments or a few days, I actually feel like me. This, I would guess, is a respite of sorts from chemotherapy, and I am blessed, really I am...just hoping to move forward soon because I have so many plans for 2022. 

Praying, always praying, The quilting cancer girl