The truth

I am going to tell you the truth. That's what this blog is about. The truth. 

I found myself back at the beginning today...back to feeling lost and anxious...only this time in the radiation world. I've found my way successfully through all the cancer protocols, but this radiation business happens in a whole new arena and it makes me apprehensive. 

After my hard time with the radiologist right before the lumpectomy in April, it is difficult to feel at ease with yet another radiologist. My unanswered question is does a radiologist have feelings or are they a group of doctors who are numb to the human experience. I am uncertain about how to respond to that, and hope that this time around the radiology barn I come away with a more positive outlook.

So this morning was not hard. I met at length with a nurse to fill out paperwork and answer lots of questions regarding my history. Then I had the freedom to ask all kinds of questions, after which time I watched a 10 minute educational video. The radiology doctor came in and recited a memorized speech about radiation therapy. The nurse returned and then I was transferred over to a secretary who schedules appointments. It all seemed so mechanical. 

Interestingly enough, as I drove home, I was angry. I am not sure why. I know psychologically that I must have this whole breast radiation to insure that my cancer never comes back. But I don't have my next appointment until June 14th and then it will be two weeks later that I start radiation. That is July and for the entire month I go every weekday for radiation.

That sure does mess with my summer. During the winter when chemotherapy was the pits, I focused on the pleasant joys of summer to keep me optimistic and upbeat. We love to go camping. July is the best month, great for hanging out in the hammock and spending time with good friends.  

And I have to commute back and forth to wherever they send me for twenty treatments. Worst of all is hearing that I will be fatigued and need to sleep. Darn. I slept away the winter and now I'm going to sleep away the summer too? 

I have loved having my energy return. Just today I finished two t-shirt quilts. Woot! Woot! Last week I finished one that was transported to Massachusetts. It's awesome to be my 'self' again. 

So this is one of my rare pity parties? I guess so. I dumped on my husband when I came home from this radiology consultation. Poor man. That wasn't fair to him. His reassuring response was that we will get through this too. My guess is I need to spend some time in prayer, and probably have a good cry. Haven't done that yet. In time. In time. 

What I actually decided to do was see if I there was something funny 'out there' to make me laugh or at least tickle my funny bone. A saying about a scarf came across my screen first. Was just silly but made me giggle. 

Strange how some little thing can get me out of my funk. And then I found this picture of the small elephant, and suddenly, finally I was able to cry. Now I feel so much better. Relief. Sigh. That's the truth and I'm sticking to it. 

Signed in a more positive state of mind, The quilting cancer girl