Fresh insights

So I passed the blood test for the second week in a row. My treatment was a success, the first of the fifth cycle. I slept most of yesterday afternoon. Today I'm having issue with my balance but the steroids have kicked in. For that reason I was up at 5 a.m. and I've gotten lots done that needed doing. Hallelujah!

When I woke this morning and tried desperately to fall back to sleep...I began thinking how much deeper my faith has become in these six months. All of my years I lived on faith and communicated with God. For some reason, I believed we had a pretty direct line to each other. I had a lot to say and He seemed to listen okay. Whether or not my prayers were answered didn't always matter that much. I just needed his listening ear, and then I would move on. He was always so patient with me.

Never have I done what I call 'God speak' which to me means I do not quote scripture to people. Instead, I live with love in my heart and share that love with those around me. That has always given me a strong inner peace that was quite remarkable and truly treasured.

I ran a children's summer camp for 34 years. We had campers from all cultural and religious backgrounds, so any character or moral development discussions had to be grounded in what I called 'independent living skills'. We taught the kids how to do dishes, make their beds and clean their cabins. They learned to feed and groom horses, clean stalls and work as team with each other within all our camp activities. 

We talked about love and cooperation, initiative and follow through, feelings, trust, and decisions and goals. Together we shared a genuine community spirit, and looking back, I have to say that spirit was God at work. It had to be. Today our camp family is even stronger as those campers and staff become adults and grow their own families, sharing the spirit we loved and making a positive difference in the world around them. You see, He did answer my prayers. I just never realized it.

My faith knows God as Love and the Holy Spirit. What I have spent time examining is how I feel about Jesus, remembering mostly stories about Him from when I was a little girl. He was born. He taught in the temples. He preached. He healed. He died. He was resurrected. I haven't known Jesus very well, not personally anyway.

Then I found another book by cancer survivor Lynn Eib, Peace in the Face of Cancer. She explores cancer and faith in depth. It is eye opening and inspirational. I strongly recommend it.  At the same time, I have discovered The Chosen, a series of marvelous videos that brings Jesus into life and gives my faith a fresh new look. You may love watching those meaningful videos as well.

Lynn Eib cites in her book a calling Mother Teresa heard from Jesus: "Come, be My light." Do with great love for others who are having a hard time. Step outside yourself and touch others with your love. When I explored Lynn's perception of "Come, be My light", I was deeply moved because I have tried to live that way, always. It was as if Lynn understood me, and we have never met.

Lynn puts it this way: "I believe He whispers those same words to all of us today - cancer survivors and caregivers included: Come be My light to someone else feeling the darkness. Come be My light even if you think your light is a small one; it is better than no light at all. Come be My light because when you shine with great love, it is sure to be a blessing."

So here I am sharing scripture, or not, on my blog. It is the simple invitation Jesus would happily extend to all of us: "Come, be My light." With cancer or free of cancer, we have the ability to touch others in our own small way. By genuinely sharing love, those around us hear that someone sincerely cares, and that makes all the difference. As others heal, so do we, and life is good.

With love for you all, The quilting cancer girl

Memory Loss happens

My family has always said, "No news is good news!" When I realized this morning how much time had passed since my last posting, I was flabbergasted.  Truly, this has been a  much improved week so I would agree that no news is good news. With more normal energy, I actually celebrate the sewing room again.

On top of that, I had five classes to prepare for and then teach: two on Thursday, two on Friday and one on Saturday. It was a marathon. Three of the classes required a PowerPoint...which meant Tuesday and Wednesday was balanced between sewing and the computer. 

Time disappears with work on PowerPoints because my brain spins nonstop, trying to calm my chemo fog to create interesting PowerPoints for those who learn from them. Another challenge for my brain is handling what some call 'chemo memory loss'. 

I had not thought about this memory loss issue until a fellow cancer friend mentioned that her brain was dramatically challenged during treatments. Sometimes her family had to pull words from the air for her so she could complete conversations. Well, I have been there too. 

During some of my classes, I have floundered for a word when teaching a concept. My students - and that may have been you - have graciously saved me and then the class continued. I never thought about skipping a beat until I realized my husband was helping me out as well. My mind would suddenly be blank; I was reaching for something that wasn't there. It was like my engine had stalled. I was fearful it would jeopardize my teaching.

I write about this because others who experience chemotherapy may struggle with lost words as well. You are not alone. This apparently happens to more of us than we realize. Hang in there. Some days you will be fine, and then on a day when your body tells you to slow down and rest, you may struggle within your conversations. Feel a hug from me at this point. It gets better. Rest helps. Listen to your body.

Today is the last day of my fourth 21 day cycle. I went to church, and now this afternoon is going to be all about resting. My mind needs that rest after this past busy week. I am actually feeling a pull to my beloved recliner.

My body is telling me: put your feet up and watch the Olympics and the Super Bowl. Both will probably exhaust me. My hubby has asked for homemade soup. So vegetable soup is in the instant pot. Supper is done. Now. I respond to the recliner. Time to rest my soul...and ready for tomorrow morning...the beginning of treatment rotation #5.

Bless you all as you begin your week. I keep you in my prayers, The quilting cancer girl

Success Shared

I did it. I did it! I did it!!!!!! I passed my blood test on the first try today. A spontaneous Eileen-hallelujah dance erupted right in the middle of the clinic. Yup…loud and clear…there was me singing hallelujah in the middle of the clinic! And the nurses smiled and so did my fellow cancer survivors, all very aware it was a major success that my white blood cells were okay. Yeah!!!

Together we did it - you and me. Our prayers were strong, constant and inspirational. From the bottom of my heart, I say thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Would like to share with you what was in my devotions this morning. I was blown away when I read it. Here was the actual wording at the start of my prayer:

            “Come to me for rest…The journey has been too much for you, you are bone-weary. Do not be ashamed of your exhaustion. Instead, see it as an opportunity for Me to take charge of your life.”

I am amazed how often our prayers have been heard. Whether through my devotions or in prayers and sermons at church, there is continuous reassurance from God that we have his support.  He speaks directly to me through you and your messages. He listens to my hours and hours of prayerful conversation. He is giving me the time I need to process the challenges from cancer in my body.

            "...you are on the path of My choosing, so do not give up! Hope in Me, for you will again praise Me for the help of My Presence."

All of us facing cancer know that it is an uphill battle. We cannot see into the future. What lies beyond that blind curve is totally unknown. We are not in control, but we push on, determined to keep on keeping on. We breathe, and draw strength from deep in our soul. We pray. We sleep. We persevere, keeping on....and  on...and on. This is truly an amazing journey.

Moving forward always, The quilting cancer girl

Kudos to the Meal Train

This has been a good week. I have been capitalizing on these good days, sewing my heart out and loving every minute at the machine. Besides, with continuous snow, I enjoyed temporarily living in my sewing room. Have only needed to nap two afternoons. Great weather to be creative!

I think when I sew, you know, about things like projects I am working on, and how my family is doing, and when is the best time to make cuttings from my blooming geraniums. My mind wanders. I do my best to avoid thinking about cancer. Keeps me more in the realm of 'normal' and life feels good.

So yesterday my wandering thoughts took me to the Meal Train. Bless the Meal Train. Since the onset of this cancer journey, I have had phenomenal cheerleaders. Many have blessed me with their prayers and friendship. Thoughtfully, they have added my husband and me to the family they regularly feed; they have delivered evening meals to our door, every Tuesday and Thursday. Yup. It is what you call the Meal Train and it stops at our home twice each week.

We have enjoyed a wide variety of delicacies, all the fixings for Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years, as well as lasagna, salads, homemade soups, chicken and turkey casseroles, beef stew, homemade rolls, and fresh veggies. My husband has been especially fortunate because  - unlike me - he has been able to taste everything. And he was fed, on days when I had absolutely no energy to stand up let alone cook or look at food. 

Having you all along on this cancer journey has been priceless. You have held my hand when I was the most scared. Your hugs have been reassuring. Rides to chemo treatments and doctor appointments have given me an opportunity to talk, and you listened. But these meals and your cheerful attitudes, they have touched my soul with the knowing that I am not alone. God speaks through each of you - I believe that - and you guide me with your caring.

Kudos to Diane Kunert and the ladies in my block of the month club who have brought not only food, but quilting conversations and camaraderie to my sewing room. Heartfelt thanks to the leadership at Aurora Sewing Center - Alyssa McDonnell and Scott Perry - who took time out of their hugely busy schedule to cook for us and deliver meals on two different occasions. And big hugs to long time friends who graced us with their cooking expertise and thoughtfulness. In yet another way, we have been truly blessed. 

Let me add that yesterday we received our supper - in the middle of a snowstorm - from a dedicated stranger who boarded the Meal Train after seeing our name posted at the Aurora Sewing Center. She stayed here for brief conversation before heading back out into the weather, and I do believe I have a new friend. 

A fellow cancer survivor, she is also a quilter paying it forward in thanks for the many who have supported her personal journey. And connecting with her in spirit, I realize that one day I will become part of the Meal Train for another like myself who needs to know that God loves them, and they are not alone. 

Grateful always, The quilting cancer girl

Treatment success

Just so you know I passed my blood test today and successfully received the second chemotherapy treatment in my fourth 21 day cycle of treatments. I decided to post a piece about this success to keep you informed about the treatment ups and downs on that big cancer roller coaster we are riding. You are with me in the front seat and screaming as loud as I am!

Treatment today was definitely a 'high' and the journey to next Monday's appointment will be filled with surprises I am certain. So this is the afternoon after treatment. Let me educate you on what can be perks of a successful treatment. 

First, one IV bag is filled with steroids. The benefits are several. The stye I have been annoyingly entertaining on my left eye for almost two months improves with steroids. Hallelujah! Also, the afternoon of treatment has a 50/50 chance of being a 'stand up' afternoon, and that means no need for a nap. I have enough energy to multitask between sewing, laundry, mopping the floor, and even pattern writing. I feel the most like 'me' and realize that hope does exist.  Double hallelujah!

Second, I had an opportunity to talk with the nurses about what I experienced during the previous week. They listened and with their expertise, they addressed my bone pain issues with the doctor. They also suggested a change I can make to help another matter. Like we added Miralax (which I have already used) to the bathroom cupboard, and it sits in a place of honor. Sigh! Relief! Celebration! If you need to know what Miralax does, text me or ask your mom!

Now remember I said that each afternoon after treatment has a 50/50 chance of being a 'stand up' afternoon? Often - especially after the first treatment in my 21 day cycle - I come home from the clinic and head immediately for the recliner. On those foggy afternoons, I sleep for hours. And then I get up and go to bed and sleep for 8-10 hours again. 

To explain: Benadryl is one of the IV bags in my treatments and Benadryl on any normal day knocks me flat. There must be more of the drug in the first long treatment. The second and third treatments are adjusted drug recipes given within fewer hours.  

I did sleep at the clinic this morning - they had to wake me up to go home - and I must have slept off the Benadryl because by 1:00 p.m., I was raring to go. The steroids kicked in. Woot! Woot!

Summing this up in few words: the roller coaster crawled to a 'high' today with a good second treatment and a wonderful 'stand up' afternoon. Thank you doctors and nurses. Thank you God for this gift of an energy filled good humor day. I will take whatever I can get and be grateful. 

My prayer now is that I have the strength and courage to handle whatever comes during the coming week. Trust me there will be days when I am definitely in a zone that is nowhere on this planet, but I manage and I nap. The roller coaster eases itself into low twists and turns before heading up again and my heart is in my mouth. So I end with this:  God,  please, please, please keep organizing those white blood cells so that maybe, just maybe I could pass next Monday's blood test and have a successful third treatment...without needing another shot.

Optimistically, The quilting cancer girl

P.S. I had a terrific long afternoon and evening in the sewing room!

Claritin and bone marrow

This week I received two shots - on Thursday and Friday - that play a specific role. They are designed to make my bone marrow produce white blood cells. Each time I receive a shot the well-trained nurses say, "Now take a Claritin because we have learned Claritin relieves the bone ache from this shot."

When the shots first started way back in November, I forgot to take Claritin and had no problem. There were no bone aches. I decided the shot did not affect me that way. I was fortunate. I was immune. That was not a side affect from the shot that touched me. Never assume anything.

The last time I had two shots in a row, I did feel some strange body aches, and I did take Claritin, and miraculously, the aches disappeared. Hmmm, I thought. That was easy. I took the Claritin for three or four days as the nurses had indicated and was fine.

Well...and we know that's a deep subject...for anyone who believes they are immune, never take anything for granted. This week after receiving my two shots, I was levelled, and that was with the added help of Claritin. 

You have heard the cliché about being pulled through a knothole. On Friday afternoon it was as if someone was literally pulling me through a knothole and I wouldn't fit so they just kept on pulling until I finally did. And that's no kidding.

The inside of my bones hurt. The inside of my bones ached. The inside of my bones pained me until the outside of my bones were sore and they throbbed and pulsed worse than any aches I ever felt from a flu. For three or four hours, I was flat out and for the first time in my life understood what people mean when they talk about pain. I kept wishing the knothole was bigger so I could fit through it faster.

And then as quickly as it started, it stopped. The aching, throbbing pain was done, and I was depleted. I wondered for a moment if this is the way one feels when experiencing a time warp. Hmm. Not sure I want to try that now.

Yesterday - Saturday - was a do nothing day. I literally could not do anything save manage the bathroom and sleep off and on in my trusty recliner. My husband was a gem. He seemed to understand my physical exhaustion and so we watched movies, three or four of them, and I slept off and on, and he filled me in on the gaps in each movie's story. How blessed I am.

Here we are at Sunday and at breakfast I announced that I was feeling much better so my husband could go about his normal day. Sometimes I just have to do that. I can move around better today even as I realize that too much standing weakens me. So I am doing my devotions, attending church online, and then trying a bit of sewing to keep up my strength. Praise God for my sewing.

Tomorrow - Monday - is a treatment day. I sure do hope my lab tests reveal a proper white blood count because I fear a third shot. I literally do not want to scare my bone marrow or me a third time. Yikes! Meanwhile, with my focus on staying upbeat for the day, I will pop another Claritin and go to church virtually. The sun is coming out!

Steadfastly, The quilting cancer girl

Managing sadness and moving forward

Today is a discouraging day. I have been so 'up' and feeling as though there is an end in sight to this cancer journey. With the changes made to my drug recipe and the news of my clean MRI, I began to exhale and believed my 'normal' life might resume. Just let me be me...and with hair!

Yesterday I went to the clinic. I was psyched for my treatment and...my blood did not pass. There were not enough white blood cells. AGAIN! So home I came. Sigh. Returned to the clinic today for my treatment and once again, my blood did not pass. Double sigh. This time I cried all the way home.

The hardest part is knowing that I went all week and did not get a treatment. You see, each time they pass me on a treatment that puts the length of my chemotherapy up another week. Instead of finishing chemo mid March, now I am looking at the end of March. Give me a Kleenex please!

Am I feeling sorry for myself? Is this my pity party? Yup!!!! This is a struggle that all of us doing cancer treatments must manage. The reality is: we are not in control of anything.

Then I remember that whole thing about perspective and faith and strength. I can move forward and mark this in my journal as another learning experience in the cancer adventure. There are ups and downs...and I'm on a down that feels heavy.

Then I look at the positives. First, my treatments are now moved to the beginning of the week. I so prefer Mondays to Thursdays and am actually happy to be back to Mondays. That's something I celebrate! Woot! 

Second, I am having 'stand up' days where I can think and sew in my sewing room. Thank goodness for sewing and thinking! Today my Indiana sister and I have decided to sew on Zoom and that will get my head back in the game. She's one special motivator. 

And third, my geraniums are blooming!!!! That's a sign that spring is around the corner because they start blooming just as the energy for growth starts flowing once again. Soon we can pot new cuttings for plants in the summer. Hallelujah!

Strange as it may seem, I learn from my geraniums. They are another motivator, keeping me focused on growth and energy. In their own way, they message me to keep on keeping on...just as they do across the dormant months so as to grace us with their sturdy beauty come spring. 

I never thought a simple geranium would pull me out of the doldrums, and yet anything is possible in my life. I prefer growth and energy to sadness and pity parties. So onward, Eileen. Share an encouraging hug with God, and then let's get sewing! 

Hoping to sew some beauties today, this is me signing off: The quilting cancer girl