I can do 'wonky'!

Today is one of those 'wonky' days when everything is a little off balance. Like my hand shakes when I journal. I hit the wrong keys if I text or type on the computer. This is a day when I know I am headed for a 'spinning your wheels' kind of day and a nap in the afternoon. 

Of course, any of  you quilters 'out there' know that I can do 'wonky'. I do not mind making wonky quilt blocks or crazy Christmas trees. I enjoy making all different sized quilt blocks and then spend time putting them into an 'improv', sampler type quilt. I invite 'wonky' because it challenges me (us) to be creative within my routine and do something way different from normal. So, I am thinking I will embroider 'wonky' houses today. That will keep me moving and bring a smile to my face at the same time. (Thank you very much, Sheila.)

The larger issue here is accepting how cancer treatments can throw me a curve. Just when I think I am doing really well, something changes and I don't feel so good. Everyday is different. That is a given. I no longer go to bed pondering what I am going to accomplish the next day. I plan only to wake up, God willing, and then assess my state of the nation (pardon the cliché) before moving forward. Today is just one of those 'wonky' days.

It worries my husband. He made the comment this morning, "This is so not you. You're always so strong." At which point, I inputted a few defensive comments about the concept of strong. (You know me. Here was a teachable moment!)

I share that I am strong in my commitment to confront cancer head on. I am doing just that by standing up to whatever comes around the bend in these coming months. But then I realize that there are times when I am not emotionally or physically strong and I need time to process that reality. I cry. Sometimes I sob...like I did last week in the car as I drove home from church on Sunday. Somehow I needed some release and release I did. Almost had to pull to the side of the road. 

Simply put, I am overwhelmed with the love I feel from everyone and I will not always be strong. Periodically, weakness happens and can be cleansing . The concern and caring that you extend to me is phenomenal. And I know that the power of God's love is forever active giving me lots of amazing days. 

For any of my fellow cancer friends, please let me share my rather novel perspective about chemotherapy. Some think of chemotherapy as infusing their body with toxins to kill the cancer. Me? Wonky me? I take a different stance. My vision helps me find peace.

My infusions are filled with God given LOVE that is so powerful and protective and healing.  As it courses through my veins, racing like little Pac Men toward the cancer, I feel peaceful because I know that bad, awful, horrible, terrible cancer will hopefully be suffocated by God's genuine, dedicated love for me. (It becomes personal for each of us facing cancer and with this view I don't feel so sick.) 

Simplistic. Maybe. And yet God's love combined with knowing that cancer today is handled with treatments that can create miracles, gives me hope that my weak, wobbly, wonky days will eventually bring me back to the strong I do enjoy.