No Worries

With my cancer diagnosis came worry. Yup. Never before did I think I was a worrier. It hit me between the eyes, and created a serious ache in my heart, after I heard a voice on the other end of the phone say the words, "It's cancer." I was numb and very alone. Immediately I jumped into, "My life will never be the same," and I was scared.

I couldn't think or stop shaking. Surely, I was going to spontaneously combust. I couldn't remember where I put things. I lost my keys. I misplaced my phone. I think I forgot everything I ever knew!  I couldn't even cook or do the laundry. Weird. Just weird.

And the 'what ifs' plagued me from day until night...for about a month.  What if I had a stroke? What if I was unable to handle this horrible, awful, terrible cancer? What if I can't teach anymore? What if my friends abandon me? What if the dog doesn't like the smell of chemo? What if my children walk away? What if my husband won't stand by my side?  What if I lose my hair? What if I die? Yup. I worried and I prayed, "Dear God, please help me. I can't do this alone."

And then three things happened. I received a box from the Cozy Quilt Ministries out of Ellicottville, and in that box was not only a fleece quilt to use during chemotherapy but a book: When God and Cancer Meet by Lynn Eib. It was an answer to my prayer, enabled by my friend, Laura. I was not alone. Such heartfelt reassurance that box brought to me...and I got myself on track with strengthening my spiritual life and meditating with God every morning and afternoon and evening. I want Laura to know that was a turning point for me. Bless you.

Second, more than ever, I immersed myself in sewing. The wonderful, creative world of quilting - a world which I know well - helped me calm my shaky hands and forget. Yes, that's right. I began to realize that when my brain was focused on sewing, three or four hours would pass without my thinking about cancer, and that was a victory beyond victories. I was letting go of the 'what if's' and focused readily on 'what is'...in this moment, on this day, right here, right now...and I was still creating. For that gift, that miracle, I shout a loud, "Hallelujah!"

And third, my good friend Alyssa, spontaneously hugged me with a hug so warm and genuinely loving that I felt transformed into, "You can do this, Eileen, because you are important to us." Thank you, Alyssa. You helped jump start my healing in that moment. You touched my soul, and I am better for your caring. 

I have since made three decisions. (1) I'm not going to be a blind optimist or pessimist. I deal better with realism: facing the facts, studying up on treatments, reading lab reports, and having straight patient/doctor talks. Then I know I can deal. (2) I've let go of all the 'what ifs' and instead I trust God. I trust that he will lead me through this. Together we will find the strength I need. (3) I am finally at peace with what I need to do. I have grieved for my pre-cancer self and accept the challenge of growth with cancer. This is a journey, an adventure, beyond anything I have ever known.

So, I move forward, with God as my partner, praying always for strength, courage and peace. And daily I quilt, loving every minute of my vacation from cancer. I also continue to teach quilting. It is therapy for many of us. Truthfully, I love every minute I am with you quilters 'out there'. We do have a good time, don't we?!! Hmmm, let's see what we can create today! 

Signing off, The Quilting Cancer Girl