Middle of the Night

Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night, only to lie in bed and listen to the quiet. There are subtle sounds: my breathing (every breath is a gift from God), Tom's snoring, Claire's adjustments on the bedcovers, the furnace turning on and off, occasionally a loud semi changing gears over on the main highway. I don't feel sad. I don't feel much of anything. I mostly listen and find myself thankful that I am feeling okay at the moment...just awake.

Last night I was awake at 2:30 a.m. Just like that. I was awake. But I felt very peaceful when I realized I was really okay, and prayed a prayer of gratitude for that. Of course, my awake mind wandered. I started thinking (which can be dangerous at 2:30 a.m.) and found myself feeling overwhelmingly grateful for the book by Lynn Eib, When God and Cancer Meet. That book made a HUGE mark on my understanding the interaction of faith with cancer.

As I suggested in a past post, it is a book everyone must read or gift to someone facing a cancer marathon. God speaks in love through Lynn and remarkably she gives peaceful encouragement that we are never alone.

My mind wandered to another book I find helpful: 50 Days of Hope, also by Lynn Eib. She is a colon cancer survivor. I have just finished reading that little book and love it so much that I am starting all over again with another 50 days. (I can't believe I've been on this journey for over 90 days already!)

I recall reading day #49 - entitled Waste Not, Want Not. Lynn's message was reaffirming because she says, "Don't waste your cancer."  She continues by suggesting that we share our cancer journey to encourage others.

Way back in September I chose to be open. It seemed so natural to share, relieving me of the stress of carrying this load alone. I knew I couldn't keep it a secret. If you read my blog, my intent is to be an inspiration, even through the ups and downs of an infusion and life across the week that follows. Sometimes I have to give in and let my body do whatever it needs to do. When I come out the other side of all that, I can function pretty well, and so can you.

In these night thought wanderings of mine, my brain goes everywhere. Sometimes I ponder quilting projects I am working on, and I figure out a sewing challenge. Whimsically, I recall beautiful rainbows in my memories. I pray for people on my prayer list. I send love to my boys. I feel my bald head. I move over and snuggle next to my husband's warm back, thankful that he is my steady partner.

Tonight I start thinking that God gave me a house to live in. My body is my house, and by entrusting that body to me, He gave me the responsibility of keeping it in good repair. 

It's like I have some black mold that needs to be reckoned with that is a nasty tumor. And so I have activated the repairmen to do their job and rid me of that mold. It's going to take a while. I know that. It's tiring. But I am dedicated to keeping my God given house clean and whole and founded on hope. Like the very breath I breathe, it is a gift that I treasure and it is filled with love and love conquers all...right?...and I know God loves me...and I love God back...and before you know it, I have fallen back into restful sleep. Sigh. See you in the morning...